Da Bear!!!


Taking up the cause of body shamed Hank The Tank...the 500 pound black bear who used to live in the wooded fringe of South Lake Tahoe, California. Humans were cutting into Hank's action and he was living on fumes until one day, Hank discovered the beguiling smell of pizza. Two whiffs and he became a lifelong Pizzavore, that's an omnivore who's narrowed his menu choices from nuts and berries to Little Ceasars. All Hank wanted was pizza, and when he couldn't get that, he'd settle for whatever else was in the pantry of the people who lived where he used to. Bear Claws (JK), Chicken Wings, whatever he could scrounge outside of peoples' houses at first. Then Hank became so big, no door could hold him back. South Lake Tahoe tried shooting pellet guns, beanbags, stun guns, nothing touches him. Hank's barged through garage doors, screens, any window or door big enough for his massive body to wriggle through. So far he's invited himself into 28 homes and the cops have been called at least 100 times in an attempt to ward off the appetite of the behemoth bear. Incidentally, while Hank's bear bros slumber in their lairs through the winter, Hank is wide awake and carbing up like a one ursus eating/burglaring machine So, South Lake Tahoe Animal Control are at their wits ends. They've consulted with bear experts who say even if you take Hank somewhere in the wilderness (if you can lift him) he'll just pick up raiding human homes wherever they take him. Somebody needs to alert Hank that they're already talking about Option E: Euthanasia!!!. However, by now the entire country is rooting for Hank. 'Tankers' say he's sweet, even when he breaks in he rummages, then eats, no growls, not even a glimpse of teeth. He's chill. So, we don't know what Hank's fate will be, but since he's a pizza lover, why can't Little Ceasars sponsor a cargo lift to the UP where Hank has plenty of room to roam and get back to his inner bearliness? It'd make a helluva wildlife doc and a million selling children's book. Just sayin'.


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